Platonic soulmates are like, I was made to stand by your side, see, I fit perfectly right here or I would die for you and you know that but this time I have to help you hold yourself accountable, or I can look at you and you can look at me and it’s a whole conversation, or you don’t have to be my blood to be my family, your not my sibling, not because we aren’t close but because I chose you and I will continue to choose you, or wow, what a dumbass… oh shit that’s my dumbass, I’ll save you!, or maybe just I love you
they want to crucify me: make me a villain, make me a martyr, make me an other. but the only thing i am interested in being is yours. remember me down at the river, ankles in the water while we dance on the shore. remember me laughing. i think you were the only one who really liked my laugh── too big, too loud, too often. take it now, and carry in the space between your ribs. hear it everytime you hear something i would find funny, and know that this isn’t goodbye. they will burn me as a witch, but it won’t mean a thing. not to me. not if i get to feel your hand in mine one last time. before they take me── i love you, i love you, i love you. there’s never been enough time to say it as much as i felt it. maybe in the next life, i will have the honor of loving you without hiding behind closed doors. maybe next time, i will get to hold your hand anywhere i want and it won’t burn. not even a little. until then, know that there were people like us before, and before, and before. and there will be people like us after. the fire’s starting, my love. let go of my hand. but please do not let go of me.
„You’ll get over it…“ It’s the cliches that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it’ is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to greive over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?
one thing i’ve learnt is that u can’t put your life on hold for that perfect idealized future moment. thats just condemning your present self to needless repentance and suffering. get that haircut now — not when you’ve lost x amount of weight. go get on that long drive out to the ocean NOW, not when u have that hypothetical daydreamy significant other by your side. you can’t save important life experiences for a self that ultimately doesn’t exist. all you have is you, right now, at this very moment. perfection is a myth anyway, just another perfect word for procrastination. please do not let your life wither away right before your eyes bc u were too busy putting it off
“If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” -Lemony Snicket
from journal entry (april 11th 2022, silas denver melvin, paper + digital)
click for quality + do not remove caption (instagram)
[ID: a black and white photograph of several muscovy ducks swimming in a line on a pond. in yellow text above them it reads “it’s hard work, trying to make yourself into something your mother can stand to look at.” /End ID]
